http://herebewonder.com/

brand loyalty

Wed, 19 Jun 2013 11:26:59 -0500

“Here at Extensive Enterprises we take brand loyalty very seriously,” said Tom’s new boss.

“Ninety percent of the supplies we use are made by us or our subsidiaries. Anything else is made by companies we hold a controlling interest in.”

He gave Tom a stern look.

“We expect the same from our employees as well.”

“Really?” said Tom. “What about the pin-ups I saw in the locker room.”

“All former and current company employees.”

“Weird,” said Tom. “But, what if there is some product or technology that you need that you can’t get in house or from one of those companies?”

“Simple,” said Tom’s boss with a wicked smile, “We take it.”

equilibrium

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 10:40:26 -0500

As it turned out, the cause for global warming was the loss of equilibrium.

It wasn’t CFCs or over-development or any of the suspected causes.

Nope, it seemed that every satellite and deep space probe shot into space threw the equilibrium of the Earth off a little bit more.

Suddenly NASA found itself tasked with retrieving all those probes sent on one way journeys.

“But why not just borrow the difference from another planet?” you might ask.

We tried that.

The shattered remains of Mars showed that was not an option.

ghost cat

Fri, 14 Jun 2013 10:40:06 -0500

Charley was never what you might call an affectionate cat.

Not as a kitten nor as a grown up cat.

So, when he passed away at a ripe old age, his owners were hesitant to rush out for a new cat.

Good thing too, because Charley’s ghost might not have liked that.

They couldn’t really say how they knew it was him, but there was something familiar about the creak of the bed when the ghost cat jumped up.

Now however, instead of settling near their feet, Charley curled up next to them.

Somehow they knew he was saying, “Ah, I get it now. You’re not so bad.”

mosquitoes

Wed, 12 Jun 2013 11:20:44 -0500

Mosquitoes only live for a couple of weeks, but they still have heroes.

“I once drank the blood of a Hollywood celebrity…right on the red carpet!”

“I drank blood from one of the last living members of a species of almost extinct jungle cat.”

“I single-handedly spread malaria to an entire village.”

“I once got blood from a turnip.”

As it turns out, they also have terrible jokes.

before destruction

Mon, 10 Jun 2013 11:15:38 -0500

When God created man, he had a lesson plan.

Many were the lessons he sought to teach, but the hardest to achieve was humility.

Man continually showed its pride and God intervened: Babylon, Atlantis, the Titanic, and more.

Finally, God sought a new plan.

“Let them destroy themselves. Let them smash their pride against the rocks until they learn.”

And so, God created the Internet.

And it was bad.

carriage return

Fri, 07 Jun 2013 11:52:30 -0500

Herb loved the sound of the typewriter.

It awoke something inside him that couldn’t be expressed with words on a monitor.

There was something special about the act. Typing on paper somehow defined the words and made everything more real.

Pixels on glass could never achieve that.

And nothing could replace that lovely carriage return.

Herb heard a slam from the hallway and an angry knock on his door and smiled.

The fact that his typing irritated the son of a bitch across the hall was just a bonus.

coffee and scissors

Wed, 05 Jun 2013 11:09:39 -0500

It is no longer enough to put warning labels on products. Mankind, it seems, has lost all sense.

Schools have abandoned higher learning and concentrate on teaching people that coffee is hot and not to run with scissors.

(But people do it anyway.)

The few remaining scientists not done in by a pair of shears, meet to discuss mankind’s fate.

“It seems like the human race is just getting…dumber.”

“We’ll drive ourselves to extinction. What can we do?”

“Yes,” said a scientist, breaking the forth wall and looking directly at you, “What can we do?”

roleplay

Mon, 03 Jun 2013 12:13:31 -0500

“Welcome to Heaven, Mr. Sinclair. Have you decided which personality you will bring with you?”

“Excuse me?” said Tom.

“Well,” said St. Peter, “as you might know, life on Earth is complex, so humans create multiple roles to deal with others. In Heaven, things are simpler.”

St. Peter looked down at his ledger.

“So…you can choose ‘Tom’, the person you were with your wife and kids, ‘Mr. Sinclair’, your rather overbearing manager identity, ‘Wingnut99’, the ID you used when harassing people who had different beliefs then you…”

“Betty?…” said Tom.

“Ah, the name you called yourself when you dressed up in your wife’s clothes? Very well. Enjoy your stay.”

speed trap

Fri, 31 May 2013 11:45:27 -0500

“Sir, please step away from the…snail.”

Dalton rubbed his temple. This kind of thing had been happening for a while, but it was still hard to get a grasp on.

Who knew that climate change would dissolve the fourth wall between fiction and reality?

“Sir, do you know how fast you were going?”

“Not really,” said Gluckuk. “It is a racing snail, after all.”

“Very well, if I let you off with a warning, will you try to go slower?”

Gluckuk nodded. “You might want to tell Pyornkrachzark too,” he added as he ground started to rumble.

Dalton closed his eyes. “Don’t tell me the rock biter is coming.”

“OK,” said Gluckuk as the rumbling grew, “I won’t tell you.”

outsource training

Wed, 29 May 2013 11:39:26 -0500

“Hey, where are all the guys from the China branch?” asked the manager.

Jose leaned back and smiled.

“Well, let’s see. George is over there asleep under a workbench. Eddie is probably in the break room watching movies. Sally just went to the mall so she’s probably trying on clothes in the bathroom. And Leo and Sheila are somewhere in the parking lot.”

Jose leaned a little closer and whispered, “We think they may be doing it.”

“But, they’re supposed to be here to learn,” said the manager.

“Well,” said Jose, “I guess nobody told them that.”

“What about the other guy, the one calling himself ‘Shadow’?”

Jose shrugged.

“We haven’t seen him since day one.”

penny drop

Mon, 27 May 2013 11:41:24 -0500

“My dad always told me, if you drop a penny from the Empire State Building, it could kill someone on the ground.”

Rufus grabbed another handful of pebbles and chucked them over the side, down toward the base of the high-rise.

Barton looked over the railing. Far below, he heard a bellow. The sound seemed to be coming closer.

“So, you’re thinking a handful of pebbles will be enough to stop a dragon?”

Rufus nodded, as another handful went sailing.

“Yeah, well,” said Barton as he crept towards the stairs, “good luck with that.”

spoil sport

Fri, 24 May 2013 11:18:35 -0500

“Hey Wade, did you know that flashing your lights at a car can mark you as a target for gangs?” said Lester.

Wade turned around in his chair.

“Seriously? You believe that. Have you not heard of Snopes? It’s not true.”

“Oh,” said Lester. “But hey, did you hear that Facebook is shutting—“

“Also, not true,” said Wade.

“Oh…” said Lester. “OK, what about this: reptilian aliens are stationed in a forest near town and planning to take over.”

“Huh,” said Wade, “Hadn’t heard that one before. Lemme check Snopes.”

As he turned back to his computer, he didn’t see Lester peel back his fake human mask.

As he reached for Wade’s neck, Lester hissed, “Of course not, we’ve only just begun.”

one mystery solved

Wed, 22 May 2013 12:19:00 -0500

Dragons, long thought to be a myth, turned out to be real and much, much smaller than imagined.

Microscopic, in fact.

It seemed that everyone had dragons in their blood.

What was it like to have this majestic creature soaring through your veins?

What was it like to be this creature, suddenly finding yourself observed and studied.

You might be surprised. You might release the fire in your belly in a sudden gasp. You might…

Well, let’s say this: the mystery of spontaneous combustion just got a little clearer.

wrong turn

Mon, 20 May 2013 11:12:48 -0500

They say flying is safer than driving, but that doesn’t apply to astral projection.

Gary finds that out how easy it is to go astray when he astral travels into someone’s mouth.

How he fits in there, he has no idea, but he doesn’t waste time. He concentrates and eventually gets back on track, leaving the mouth and its decay behind.

His manages to reconstitute his corporeal form in the lobby of a hotel in Miami.

After securing his room, he asks the desk clerk where the gift shop is.

“I suddenly feel the need for a new toothbrush,” he says.

the greatest pilot

Fri, 17 May 2013 11:16:08 -0500

In life, David Peppercorn had been the greatest pilot in the RAF. In death, he was even better.

No one could get the speed and tight cornering from a plane like David. It was almost supernatural.

Actually, since he was a ghost, it probably was supernatural.

Since he was so good, no one questioned the events of his demise for years, until a rookie RAF member finally asked about it.

“Well,” said David, “let’s just put it this way: if a lady says her husband is insanely jealous, you better believe her.”

pasta money

Wed, 15 May 2013 08:36:21 -0500

“Did you know that almost every type of pasta is patented by one guy in Italy?” said Thom.

“Says who?” said James.

“Wikipedia.”

“And you believe it?”

“Why would they lie? It says here, some rich guy in Italy has the patent on every type of pasta except elbow pasta. Doesn’t say why, though…”

“Who cares? I bet that guy doesn’t stay up all night fretting about it. He’s probably content to sleep on his huge pile of pasta money.”

***

He isn’t though. Sure, Gitano does sleep on a huge pile of money, but his dreams are restless. He is haunted by visions of Macaroni.

making contact

Mon, 13 May 2013 09:34:04 -0500

“We weren’t going to contact your planet, but we just felt sorry for you,” said the alien leader.

Behind him, his retinue nodded their heads.

“I mean, no offense, but you guys are way worse than the Third World Countries you look down on,” he said.

Another alien spoke, counting off as he did.

“Outmoded ideas on sexuality and gender, using religion to oppress others, wars over who should live where….”

“Pathetic,” said the leader.

So, they enslaved us.

Eh…it’s probably for the best.

proper sabotage

Fri, 10 May 2013 10:53:51 -0500

“It takes a steady hand to properly sabotage a tire,” said Frank.

As he spoke, he made a few minor holes in strategic locations on the tire.

“You have to be careful not to pop it. You don’t want it to go out all of the sudden. Too risky. You want a gradual loss of air.”

“Are you sure about this? Isn’t this dangerous?” asked Neil, his assistant.

“Don’t you worry about that. Just keep a lookout.”

Just then, someone did indeed approach the pair.

Frank quickly turned and addressed the stranger.

“Welcome to Frank’s Tires. How can I help you?”

blame jack the ripper

Wed, 08 May 2013 09:18:51 -0500

“Personally, I blame it all on Jack the Ripper”, said the Boston Strangler.

“Excuse me?” said Jack.

“Well sure, if it hadn’t been for you, the news wouldn’t have started giving serial killers cool nicknames, and people wouldn’t want to be like us.”

“I don’t see how that’s my fault,” said Jack. “I mean, sure I did a lot of bad things and I deserve to be here, but pinning that one me is a bit much.”

“You guys are all wrong,” said a passing devil. “It started with Attila. Don’t you know ‘Hun’ means ‘Ripper’?”

“Really?” said Jack.

“No!” said the devil, laughing maniacally as he pulled out his whip. “Now, get back to work, slaves!”

existential problems

Mon, 06 May 2013 10:06:25 -0500

Gruumsh always looks like he has a headache. And maybe he does.

There are many problems that come with being a god trapped in mortal form. Not having worshippers to do things for you is one.

“Sir, can I take your order.”

Gruumsh stares down at the girl with his one good eye. He points at the picture of a hamburger then holds up all ten fingers.

“Um….” says the fast food girl.

Between the two of them, they eventually work out his order.

When she puts her hand out for payment, he discovers a new problem and his headache gets worse.